i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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