No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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