I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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