I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
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