she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
