**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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