I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
