if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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