Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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