i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
