the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Mom said you looked used
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Randomize
