so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
