Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
