great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
birth control should be required to get into college
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
