when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
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