Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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