Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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