this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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