Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
