did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
