I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
