Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Everclear isn't food dammit
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
