I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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