I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
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