At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
