I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
