I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
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