I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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