ya dads aren't the best wingmen
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
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