how do flat chested girls get laid?
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
