just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
sarcasm needs its own font
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
