I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
