Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
