you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
