I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
