I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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