Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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