I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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