she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
