I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
