At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
