so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
