Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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