have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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