i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
