What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
