Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
