I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
