I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I am naked and annoyed.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
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