as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
