Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
You may now shotgun with the bride
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
