I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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