Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Randomize
