My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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