I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
