I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I need to align my fucking chakras
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