Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
50% drunk capacity currently
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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