I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
